This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes — and here I am being kind — like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

<>/ProcSet[/PDF/Text/ImageB/ImageC/ImageI] >>/MediaBox[ 0 0 612 792] /Contents 4 0 R/Group<>/Tabs/S/StructParents 0>> A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies: 1. It’s an educational exhibit called the Colossal Colon, and it was on a nationwide tour to promote awareness of colo-rectal cancer. You haven’t noticed any problems. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.

Feel the beat from the tambourine . The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humour, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. From all of us, Thank you. Then you have to drink the whole jug. %PDF-1.3 Peace – Freedom – Individual Responsibility. When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. Really. Flowers would not be enough. I have no idea. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America’s enemies. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. With a couple of clicks and a few Euro you can save a life, if you don't do it it's because you don't want to. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy … Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. From all of us, Thank you. I have no idea. I was seriously nervous at this point. When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I am so eager for you to do this that I am going to induce you with an Exclusive Limited Time Offer. It said: “I went in for a routine colonoscopy and got the dreaded diagnosis: cancer. I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep.

%��������� << /Length 5 0 R /Filter /FlateDecode >> You haven't noticed any problems. ���l���h�HW�7��C�4bOݯ�/�DL�f\���S�mu2v��+�H�[ʶ�-���Q������xS3*ߨ�('º�(��-_>b����. “You want me to turn it up?” said Andy, from somewhere behind me. If you are as a professional humor writer, and there is a giant colon within a 200-mile radius, you are legally obligated to go see it. One moment, ABBA was yelling “Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,” and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. 1 0 obj Then you have to drink the whole jug.

In accordance with my instructions, I didn’t eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my  preparation. To give 1 or 2 Euro, you really don't need to think so much. He just wouldn’t have known.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, Dancing Queen has to be the least appropriate. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. P.S.—While I got a clean bill of health and was told to take another test in 10 years, I’m glad to report that this test is all “behind” me now—well, at least for a few more years now. .=|kވP#���YIħO�`�o�+�����j�� /��8Q�-L���lnJ`�� �������@!vQ�Ҳ���K�lӶ=s��yCQQర���������Ƽ3�U^�8�i6�x؟�ǹ�V�`��;jӌH�S�_fi���#�t� Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. 'Are we there yet? Really. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons). Dave points out how much of a lightweight and how squeamish he is about all things medical. This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground. .”. ( Log Out /  If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like. From all of us, Thank you.

You don't have a history of cancer in your family. 4. ”You want me to turn it up?” said Andy, from somewhere behind me. I have no idea.

Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked. Mudgeeraba, QLD 4213, Office: (07) 5530 2860 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief? There is no sane reason for you not to have it done. It’s much worse when I come into physical contact with the medical profession. In accordance with my instructions, I didn’t eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. M$�⌹�X��`�ˁ|U��3#hQ�$��*R�̢D��8���|K�z����{�T/��e���/>CQc You pay less saving a life than you would for a doughnut. At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

By following this policy, I reached age 55 without having had a colonoscopy. You know you're supposed to get a colonoscopy. 3. But I also urged everyone to get a colonoscopy. This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal: I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. This is the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit! But because he was a grown-up, the doctors caught the cancer early, and they operated and took it out. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly thru Minneapolis . And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. The idea of having another human, even a medical human, becoming deeply involved in what is technically known as your ”behindular zone” gives you the creeping willies. Colonoscopy Journal: I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. By Dave Barry I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. One moment, ABBA was yelling ‘Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,’ and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. And if you don’t have cancer, believe me, it’s very reassuring to know you don’t. 2 0 obj You don’t want a doctor to stick a tube 17,000 feet up your butt. But you haven’t. You eliminate everything.

You know you’re supposed to get a colonoscopy. I was thinking, ‘What if I spurt on Andy?’ How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn’t really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, “HE’S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!”. At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. If you, after reading this, get a colonoscopy, let me know by sending a self-addressed stamped envelope to Dave Barry Colonoscopy Inducement, The Miami Herald, 1 Herald Plaza, Miami, Fla. 33132. ', 6. Dave’s column is a little longer than others of his that I have sent around, but it is funny throughout and worth the read. Forget Jenny Craig or Nutrisystem! You haven't noticed any problems. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. Mudgeeraba, Gold Coast. . I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn’t really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, ‘HE’S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET LONG UP MY BEHIND!’. This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. endobj Hippocrates Vegan Digestive Compound: 500 Capsules, Hippocrates Vegan Food Enzymes: 500 Capsules, Hippocrates Vegan Food-Grade Magnesium Chloride Granules: 250 Grams, Hippocrates Vegan Natural Happy Bowel Powder, Hippocrates Vegan Dulse Powdered Sea Vegetable: 500g, Hippocrates Certified Organic Vegan Powdered Sea Vegetables Unique Designer Blend: 500g, Hippocrates Vegan Organic Rose Hip Tea Cut Granules: 500 Grams, Hippocrates Vegan Organic Wheatgrass Powder: 500 Grams, Hippocrates Pure Vegan Food-Grade Organic Coconut Oil: 2 Litres, Schindele’s Austrian Powdered Minerals: 400G, Hippocrates Long Handle Natural Fibre Skin Brush, Reuseable Large Volume 1500ml Bagenema Set, Porkert Manual Wheatgrass / Cannabis Juicer, Marijuana Horticulture: The Medical Grower’s Bible, Take Control of Your Health and Escape the Sickness Industry, Hippocrates 3-Hour 2-DVD Instructional Box Set, Hippocrates Daily Exercise Program on CD – 30 Minutes, Anarchy in Australia (And It’s Not Chaos).

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